Why is it...

... That the longer you go without saying anything, the less you have to say?

I've been thinking a lot lately... not a totally new development, but good anyhow. I've spent my whole life waiting and waiting to do things because I felt I couldn't do them until I had them down pat. Solo tryouts. Auditions for musicals. Performances. Most of the things I could have done are sitting in my mind, in my past; opportunities missed because I thought I 'wasn't ready.' 'Once I'm ready,' I say to myself. 'I'll just wait till tomorrow when I feel ready...'
I never feel ready. It gets to the point where people say 'You're going to miss it,' and still I feel unready. many times, I miss it. It's over, and I feel safe... but not happy. Disappointed. In myself.
That is not a good way to feel.
I would mess up tryouts because I didn't want to go 'too far.' Because I 'wasn't ready'. I ended up looking as stiff and scared as I felt.
Today I decided to bring upon myself a new mindset.
Excitement.
I looked in my mirror yesterday morning and said to myself, 'I have a tryout today. Aren't I excited?'
I expected to feel like I was lying to myself. Go to school with that same dread I always have. Shake so hard during my tryout that I felt like an old lady who'd lost control of her poor wrinkly limbs. Be petrified in my socks. (And the rest of my clothes, for that matter.)
But I made a decision.
I decided to feel the excitement I wanted. When I got to class, I turned to T* and said, "I am so excited." She laughed. We both knew I was scared. But she believed in me and we both knew that, too.
When the choir teacher spoke the words, 'Mother Knows Best,' I expected to feel fear and dread. Instead, I felt a little flutter. Of nervousness. And excitement.
No one volunteered for the first segment. I felt my hand raise and heard myself say, "I haven't practiced this part, but I'll go for it." By the end of the statement I'd brought myself into it; I was no longer hearing myself say it but was saying it.
I sang. The class cheered me on. The teacher had me sing the second segment too, the one I'd actually practiced. The bell rang while I was still singing. The class kept listening.
I didn't finish the second segment. I had to go to class. I got verbal pats on the back all the way. Then, right before I left the room, my beautiful choir teacher called, "Jenica?"
I turned. "Yes?"
She smiled. "Woof," she said.
T turned to me and grinned. Giggled a little.
"Thank you," I said, smiling all over, of course.
When I left the classroom, I was cheering inside.
And someone was in my head, saying, 'I did it. I was excited. I let it go and it went.'
I said a prayer. All I could think of to say was, "Heavenly Father, Thank you."
Thank you.
Thank you...



*T is a dear friend in my choir class. One of the best in the world.

Hmm hmm la di da di da lalalalala!

I am very exceedingly bored. Oh, you could tell? Duh. I expected that. Guess what else. I need a job. I realized that the other day. I got a phone. My mom bought me minutes. Four hundred, to be precise. And when they run out... it's my turn. I buy the minutes. And I'm beginning to realize that everything is starting to be my turn now. I'll be saving for college. I'll be buying myself a car. I'll be paying for my insurance. And in a few years... I'll be paying for my own apartment. And food. And I'll be cleaning my own house. And... man, I'm going to be an adult. Taking care of myself.  Two years isn't a long time.