I hate this kind of days. Though I must say, today isn't so bad... it's just not particularly good. You understand, yes? I mean, lots of good things have happened. Butter got asked to Homecoming. She deserved that. I went to Choir without my shoes, which was refreshing. Don't ask me why.
Ah! An epiphany.
Today is a thinking day. Upon entering my first hour classroom this morning, the overall feeling I had about myself was that I was not fulfilling my potential. That there was so much more to me than I was actively being. That I need to kick in it gear and get myself moving. This morning, I was told to cool down and quit being so hard on myself, because I'm wonderful and I add so much to discussions, and besides, how boring would it be if I was already perfect, and there was nothing else to learn?
So I left feeling that I was being too hard on myself, and I needed to relax. But that got me to thinking: if I don't think about what I can fix, how will I ever fix anything?
Oh good heck, I told myself, I am over thinking this, and if anyone were to come along and read my mind, it would be a very tedious read; full of philosophy, I'll give me that, but very tedious. My mind is so preoccupied with the doom that awaits should failure happen that it doesn't have an opportunity to think of the joy available to those who are truly trying.
Oh be quiet. I'm annoying me.
Yeah, well, I'm annoying me too. I worry too much! I take the time to stop and smell the roses, but I don't register whether or not they actually smell good, because I'm too worried about whether or not I'm stopping to smell them! I sing all along my way, but I'm so wrapped up in whether I'm singing right that I forget to enjoy it. I let myself get so frustrated with this world that doesn't understand the beauty in it that I forget to really, truly see the beauty. I bounce around, full of contagious energy, but it hides inside, cowers behind the wisdom it wants, because someone else has contagious energy too, and I can't be as good as them. I laugh loudly, but I forget to turn up the volume inside loud enough that my heart can hear it. And I spend all my time analyzing myself to see what I could be better.
I need to find the medium.
Where's the medium?
As the war raged inside my head, I remembered a statement a teacher had made that had, I realized, been haunting me. I was walking in to a tryout for a choir that I wanted so, so badly to be in. I was shivering clear to the marrow of my bones, but on the outside, I walked upright and confident across the room towards the piano, with the choir teacher sitting behind it, smiling and encouraging. There were two other girls in the room, they asked me if they could listen in on my audition, just out of curiosity. I complied.
"Aren't you scared?" one of them asked.
The teacher grinned at them and said, "Jenica's not afraid of anything."
The thought that entered my head then was unvoiced, unnoticed, for years. If put in words, the thought went like this: Don't compliment me. Then I have to live up to it.
That statement became one of the themes of my life. The first theme was this: Do it well. Do it perfect! People must know you are good, because you have to make a difference in the world. The second highly contradicted it: Don't compliment me. Then I have to live up to it.
All these years, I've dedicated myself to becoming fearless to live up to what that Choir teacher thought of me. Today I decided this: I'm not fearless. I simply have courage.
Today I adopt an attitude of bravery. Today I adopt an attitude of abundance. And today I adopt an attitude of pure laughter, because life was made for joy.
The Jenica World Dictionary:
A dictionary of my personal opinions and views. Not to be quoted as politically correct.
Abundance- Trusting that God will take care of my needs.
Courage- Taking action joyfully in the face of fear.
Joy- Broader than excitement, deeper than happiness, grander than ecstasy, purer than pleasure. Of all the happy words in the dictionary, this is the most full and complete. Joy is not a feeling. It is a way of life.
