GOOD HEAVENS IT WAS OVER TOO SOON!

Tomorrow is my last day in Germany. I can't believe it! It went by too fast for anyone's good, except maybe my mother. She misses me. :)
Oh, but I can't wait to be home! It's been way too long since I set foot in that place. Saw those people. Hugged that baby... slept in that bed! Ahhh to steal it back from my sister... who, I might add, is one of the people I need to see...
I guess I'm kind of loopy with excitement. I spent most of this trip ignoring the naggingness of my family in  the back of my mind. Now I'm ignoring the fact that many of these people are people I will never see again. At least not in this life. So many of the people I love now are so unreachable... part of me wonders, why did I come? Why should I create pain for myself, by finding these people, knowing I will love them, knowing I will miss them, knowing all of this... and I did it anyway. Part of me wonders. But as my personality demands, the other part, the bigger part, the part that is so hard to keep alive, says to me, 'It was worth it. Everything was worth it. Every word, every action, every experience made me stronger, wiser, and more knowledgeable about how powerless I really am. How little wisdom I really have.'
Ahhh, but I'm so much better for it! I learned so much, and so little. Which recognition is, in and of itself, a wonderful thing to know. I could be the wisest being on earth and still know so little. Still have so much to learn. So many ways to grow and expand. I don't think I'll ever get to the point of knowing everything there is to know. I think I will always have something else to learn, some other place to explore. THAT is the definition of Eternity...

If you could hie to Kolob, 

in the twinkling of an eye, 

and then continue onward 

with that same speed to fly, 

do you think that you could ever

through all eternity

find out the generation 

where Gods began to be?

Or see the grand beginning 

where Space does not extend?

Or view the last creation

where worlds and matter end? 

Methinks the Spirit whispers 

'No man has found pure space,

nor seen the outside curtains 

where nothing has a place.'

I thought I ought.

I don't really have much to say. I just wanted to say something. The thing that's been on my mind lately is the fact that, like it or not, I'm leaving here in two weeks. I'm going home.
     I remember home. I know every nook and cranny of the house. I'll still be able to make my way around with my eyes closed. But it won't be the same. Why, you ask? The house won't change. The people will all be the same people. The routine will hardly budge. But sometimes, even having been here for two and a half months already, I catch myself and realize, 'hey. I'm here.' I find myself thinking things like, 'I haven't seen my mom for two and a half months. I've never been away from home this long. I'm starting to forget what it's like to play my own piano.' And it doesn't seem all that abnormal, either. This... Germany...  it's life now, I guess. It's normal. I miss my old life more and more... and less and less as I go on here. I think about going home and wonder, 'Will that be enough for me now?' And the truth is, I don't know. Maybe it won't. Maybe I'll need more adventures...

     And just for kicks; I wrote this poem in my journal, right after waking up from a very, very strange dream:...

                   Wierdness. Yeah, I know. 

It kinda freaked me out, though. 

The things my mind comes up with

Are more than I can cope with.

Dead babies in ceilings

Their zombies on floors, 

I once went throughout the whole house to lock doors

in my sleep. 

Dreams that are creepy, 

Dreams just plain wierd; 

I believe I once dreamed of a man with a beard

which wasn't so wierd. 

I like to write poems, sing songs, and read books;

quite often you'll find me in my little nooks.

But the things I come up with 

in those dreams of mine

make the books look like nothing; 

(and this doesn't rhyme.)

But then I awaken 

the visions are taken 

and put in a little corner; 

the glamor fades. 

I open the shades, 

to greet the morning's mourner. 

( I like the last part because no one ever makes sense of it.)

Ow. My hand hurts.

     I've been told I punch pretty hard. I've been told I act like a toughie. I've been bold enough to ask guys to dance on the very first dance if they're being lame and not asking. But let me assure you, I am not tough. I am not strong. My biceps are minuscule. And I've never been in 'good shape.' (I do have a shape, to be sure. I'm just a little out of it.) But when we got cold and there was only one log left that was too big to fit in the oven, I thought, 'What the heck. Hack at it with the axe for a few minutes until it's cut in half.'
     Yeah.
     I found the axe in the garage and carried it into the backyard, where I found the gigundus chunk of wood. I proceeded to carry them both back to the front of the house, where there was a much larger chunk of wood the perfect height to use as a chopping block. You can imagine the result of this. My first thought upon getting to the backyard was, 'why the heck did I bring this stupid honking axe back here?' My second was, 'Well bless my soul, I am such an idiot. Who would've known?'
     I made another stupid mistake. I tried to carry the wood and the axe up the stairs to the front of the house, while also fending off curious children whose toes I would much like to keep on their feet. My toes obviously don't care much whether they're attached or not, since they failed to warn my hands not to try to carry that up the steps. But their toes were going to stay on their feet if I had anything to do with it, so I ended up yelling at them quite loudly to GO AWAY and then staggered my way up the stairs to drop the chunk of wood unceremoniously on the ground. Thankfully, it missed my toes.
     I picked up the axe. This was gonna be easy. I aimed for the crack I had made with the saw earlier and thud! I missed by an inch. And it barely made an indent. I aimed better. Whacked harder. Thump! The axe embedded itself into the wood exactly where I was aiming. I was proud. Besides the fact that the wood looked no different.
     I kept up a steady pace. Swing, hit. Swing, hit. Swing, hit. Stuck. Pull. Swing, hit... I got about a third of the way into the block of wood before flipping it over to see if the other side would be any better. It wasn't. I flipped it back over. It still looked no different. I hit it harder, and the wood disintegrated...
     The wood underneath the wood I was chopping, that is. It's rotting entrails poured all over the driveway, along with a gross looking white worm.
     I scooted my log back in disgust and chopped some more.
     Then I decided to try something new. It would be much easier to chop the log in half if it was skinnier, right? So I flipped it up on it's top and proceeded to try to split it.
     Key words being 'try to'.
     I failed.
     Partway throughout the attempted splitting of the evil log, I noticed I was singing to myself, so I stopped to listen to see if I could figure out what I was singing. It was a song from the now well-known Thomas the Tank Engine series...

Don't give up,

Show determination.

Don't give up, 

You'll be a big sensation!

     The song repeats. During the said repeat of the song, I noticed the words were different...

Don't give up, 

Show determination,

This stupid log is disintegrating 

and it's really dumb.

     'Now, that is really lame,' I thought to myself. 'It doesn't even rhyme.' But I shrugged and continued on my way, singing merrily and expecting to totally miss the log any second and lose my leg. It was fun.

     Then the exciting happened. I totally, completely missed what I was aiming for and barely shaved the edge off the poor log. I watched the log shard shoot clear out into the middle of the driveway and at the same moment heard a rather loud sound coming from the opposite direction. 

     The big piece of the log and shot directly backwards into the neighbor's yard. And landed right on top of one of his newly planted plants. 

     Now, I wasn't about to say 'what the heck, we'll just leave the big honking log in the middle of the neighbor's garden on top of his plant.' So I had to go around, walk through the garden, pick up the log, and, of course, drop it on another little plant on my way out. Accidentally.

     To finish the story, I will just let you know that I have accepted my lot in life. I am not a wuss. I am not a sissy. And I'll still try to do things I probably won't be able to do when I try them. But I still scream when I see spiders, and I still haven't chopped that blasted piece of wood in half. 

     I will have to try again tomorrow. 

Don't give up, 

show determination... 

    

This will take me a moment...

     You know how it is. Something happens. The perfect story to write a Blog post about. Something cute and funny and inspiring. You go the whole day excited to write about it and when you finally sit down to write it-- wha? Where'd it go? This is so not fair! And all those typical teenage Utah Mormon excpaimations. It was cute- it was! It was funny- I promise! And it could definitely be turned into something inspiring. But... insert teenage Utah Mormon exclaimations here.
     I must say, however, that I do love my life. Many typical conversations begin with the question, 'So how's life?' Though I am in Germany, living with an unfamiliar family, having experiences totally alien to me, all I can think of to say is, 'Good.'
     Ya. Life is good. Uhhh... nothin's goin' on. I'm just... living. I eat food and I sleep in a bed and I drink liquid. I like garbanzo beans. (That has nothing to do with anything, by the way. In case anyone was wondering.) But do you know what I mean? No one finds any excitement in anything! Life is made up of little things- a kiss from a child, a hello from a friend. One of the things I was excited about today was the most adorable picture of M-- I am so excited to draw it. Just the delicacy of her little eyelashes and the way her blond hair sits on her perfect little forehead... 

     I mean, life is just so good! So great! So wonderful! How come some people can't see that?
Like yesterday. S was going on about whatever he was going on about, and then, all of a sudden, he came out with, 'Mommy, where does Heavenly Father live?' Mom answered: 'He lives in Heaven.'
     'Mommy... can we go to heaven and see Him?'
     Things like that make my life complete.

     When did I start thinking of this as another home? When did it stop being foreign and become familiar? When did I stop waiting to go home and start to wonder when I can come back?

Fun fun

I get to go to a youth dance tonight. Fun? I think yes- besides the fact that over half these people can barely understand me and I don't even know if any of them can dance. I guess I'll just have to make sure it's fun- although I feel a lot more comfortable asking the guys to dance when I'm in my own Stake... and when they speak my language. I suppose I should throw myself at it with vigor and make it the best experience it can be.

Oh, and mom? I love you! I want the world to know I love you and I'm not ashamed of it! Hey everybody- I love my mom! I forgot what else I was going to say but she is AMAZING! Equaled in my world by no one! And though I may call another woman 'mom', no one else will ever be my 'Mutti.'

Yay! I finally did it!

Hoorah! Pictures are on the computer! Aaaand off we go...

They wanted me to take pictures of them. They're utterly sweet kids...

 This is S- Wearing my hat. Cute hat on a cute kid. :)

From left to right- M, S. They're standing in front of a pile of cheese- yes, that is cheese. It was so amazing to me I wanted a small person to stand in front of it to show how big it is.

Well, I have a lot more, but they're loading slower than bajeepers and I don't have that much time. So farwewll- until next time!