I've 'started a book' before, but never with a timeline for my goal or an actual expectation of finishing, at least not until I was 'better qualified', or 'more confident', or... you fill in the blank.
This is something that, over the past year or so, has come to mean a lot to me. I've been wanting to share, but not certain how, until my sister approached me and asked me to co-author a book with her. A very specific, very personal book for a lot of people.
The topic is ‘abuse: from an outside perspective’. A collection of stories from people we know personally who have gone through different types and levels of abuse.
What do you think of when you hear the word ‘abuse’?
A man in a ‘wife-beater’ with stains across it?
Unspeakable violence?
Horror stories of starved children and a drunken father?
These are sometimes true.
What do you think of when you hear of someone being abused?
"Why didn't he/she leave sooner?"
"How could he/she allow him/her to treat their children that way?"
"She should respect herself enough to leave before it gets abusive!"
These can also carry some truth.
However, I lived in a home for 7 months where abuse was going on. It had been for years previous.
And I had no idea.
There were red flags, but I didn't recognize them as such.
Countless moments that, now, I can see clearly, but then, I encouraged my friend to look at her husband with love and patience, hoping their marriage would mend.
Countless iterations of the same conversation:
"It's getting better. We went to counseling and did X-Y-Z."
"I'm so glad to hear that. You're doing amazing."
"Thanks. I think we'll get through."
I'm not sure at what point I realized I was encouraging my friend to stay in an abusive situation.
Maybe the day she asked, "Jenica, when you don't want to be touched, does Joe stop?" and a chill went up my spine.
Or possibly the day she told me, “Sometimes he covers my mouth when I lose my temper until I stop. He’s right. I do have a terrible temper.”
Or perhaps the day, “the counselor said everything he’s doing is normal male behavior and I need to be more patient,” came out of her mouth, and I surprised myself with the ferocity of my reply: “You need a new counselor.”
Maybe even the day she showed me four angry red fingernail marks across her back, coupled with, “He didn’t mean to. I was being really rude. He wasn’t trying to hurt me, just get me to stop.”
But, to my shame, I don’t think it hit me until she said, “I know I’m in an abusive relationship. If he ever threatens the kids, I’ll have to leave,” and my response was, “Aren’t you worth protecting?”
She left a few months later.
With all of this going on, with all her words ringing in my head, with all the nights wondering if I was hearing their TV show or their arguments, it took me until that moment to truly feel the conviction that she needed to leave. I was seven months living in their home, sharing a kitchen, seeing him every day, and it took that and a 25-point article on red flags, 23 of which applied to him, for me to fully support the ending of their marriage.
It still hurts me sometimes. He is not a bad man. He is not the drunken, angry, frightening man I had mentally defined all abusive husbands to be. He was calm, quiet, rarely spoke out and never complained. He was someone who, when he heard me mention needing a night-light offhandedly to Joe, went and bought us night-lights. When he heard the door squeaking, we found WD-40 outside. When Joe mentioned our laundry had been mixed up, he apologized profusely and went to fetch the other basket. Never was there a whisper of anything I understood to be a ‘sign’, or a ‘red flag’.
But he abused his wife.
It is all of this that brings me to the project I have just described. We know so little. There are so many people, men and women, stuck in situations that are unhealthy for them and their children because, as I told myself so many times, “He’s not a bad man. He can change.”
I still believe that. He can change. But, at least at the time, he chose not to.
It’s a hard call to make, but I am so proud of the many people who have made it. It’s a life change that forever alters everything. It’s a marriage ended and a parent, or parents, whose presence in their children’s lives is altered or even made nonexistent. It’s a journey that is only beginning when the abused takes the first steps out of the house.
And it’s something that, with knowledge, understanding, and humility, can be avoided, or, in situations where the person doing the harming refuses to see their folly, at least helped.
Every story shared is one more chance for another to be changed.
Every experience validated represents a person that much closer to healing.
So. I am putting this out there for two reasons: One, to keep myself accountable. A dream never begun and never shared is only a dream, and never becomes a goal. And two, to open up an invitation.
We have enough stories to write a book. In fact, adding more may, in actuality, lessen the impact, as fewer details would be able to be shared and thus there would be less understanding of individuals. However, as a part of, and leading up to, the release of the book, I would like to work on a series of blog posts sharing people’s stories. This will be worked on by both my sister and myself, and will serve as not only practice for writing the stories the way they deserve to be written, but as a tool to share more stories and get the word out about our project.
The blog posts are not the main project and so will not be the main focus, but we hope, eventually, to get a collection of them together to be published on a blog dedicated to the project. We will likely open a facebook page as well, where these will be shared and where we can be contacted by those who wish to share their story.
To be clear, I am not only asking for tragedies. I would love to hear stories where healing has happened, if they are out there. I know it is rare in the world of abuse for a marriage to turn around, but if that has happened, it needs to be shared and celebrated, if you are willing.
We are challenging perceptions and paradigms and I expect it to be a tough climb. But we are so grateful for everyone who is willing to share.
For anyone who wishes to share their story, please contact me at jrcb.business@gmail.com.
Thank you.
