Yeah.
I found the axe in the garage and carried it into the backyard, where I found the gigundus chunk of wood. I proceeded to carry them both back to the front of the house, where there was a much larger chunk of wood the perfect height to use as a chopping block. You can imagine the result of this. My first thought upon getting to the backyard was, 'why the heck did I bring this stupid honking axe back here?' My second was, 'Well bless my soul, I am such an idiot. Who would've known?'
I made another stupid mistake. I tried to carry the wood and the axe up the stairs to the front of the house, while also fending off curious children whose toes I would much like to keep on their feet. My toes obviously don't care much whether they're attached or not, since they failed to warn my hands not to try to carry that up the steps. But their toes were going to stay on their feet if I had anything to do with it, so I ended up yelling at them quite loudly to GO AWAY and then staggered my way up the stairs to drop the chunk of wood unceremoniously on the ground. Thankfully, it missed my toes.
I picked up the axe. This was gonna be easy. I aimed for the crack I had made with the saw earlier and thud! I missed by an inch. And it barely made an indent. I aimed better. Whacked harder. Thump! The axe embedded itself into the wood exactly where I was aiming. I was proud. Besides the fact that the wood looked no different.
I kept up a steady pace. Swing, hit. Swing, hit. Swing, hit. Stuck. Pull. Swing, hit... I got about a third of the way into the block of wood before flipping it over to see if the other side would be any better. It wasn't. I flipped it back over. It still looked no different. I hit it harder, and the wood disintegrated...
The wood underneath the wood I was chopping, that is. It's rotting entrails poured all over the driveway, along with a gross looking white worm.
I scooted my log back in disgust and chopped some more.
Then I decided to try something new. It would be much easier to chop the log in half if it was skinnier, right? So I flipped it up on it's top and proceeded to try to split it.
Key words being 'try to'.
I failed.
Partway throughout the attempted splitting of the evil log, I noticed I was singing to myself, so I stopped to listen to see if I could figure out what I was singing. It was a song from the now well-known Thomas the Tank Engine series...
Don't give up,
Show determination.
Don't give up,
You'll be a big sensation!
The song repeats. During the said repeat of the song, I noticed the words were different...
Don't give up,
Show determination,
This stupid log is disintegrating
and it's really dumb.
'Now, that is really lame,' I thought to myself. 'It doesn't even rhyme.' But I shrugged and continued on my way, singing merrily and expecting to totally miss the log any second and lose my leg. It was fun.
Then the exciting happened. I totally, completely missed what I was aiming for and barely shaved the edge off the poor log. I watched the log shard shoot clear out into the middle of the driveway and at the same moment heard a rather loud sound coming from the opposite direction.
The big piece of the log and shot directly backwards into the neighbor's yard. And landed right on top of one of his newly planted plants.
Now, I wasn't about to say 'what the heck, we'll just leave the big honking log in the middle of the neighbor's garden on top of his plant.' So I had to go around, walk through the garden, pick up the log, and, of course, drop it on another little plant on my way out. Accidentally.
To finish the story, I will just let you know that I have accepted my lot in life. I am not a wuss. I am not a sissy. And I'll still try to do things I probably won't be able to do when I try them. But I still scream when I see spiders, and I still haven't chopped that blasted piece of wood in half.
I will have to try again tomorrow.
Don't give up,
show determination...
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